There’s something surreal about being the father of the bride. Everything has been swirling around me for days and weeks and months, but very little of it has anything to do with me. During that same time-period, people have been asking me what it feels like and one even asked me to blog about it. So, here goes my best shot at trying to get it across in words and pictures.

Part of why it seems surreal is that it’s been so overwhelming. There’s too much to absorb. If I tried to take it all it, I might blow up, so I tend to take a few deep breaths and just deal with the thing in front of me. But, just for you, I will try to explain the big picture: Rachel and Robbie have been together for around eight years, way back to their days at Lansing Community College’s Theater program, then Columbia College’s Theater program, and moving out to Seattle together; she’s our first born and Judy and I have had no experience in wedding planning (except our own, which was 31 years ago); weddings cost a lot (whatever number I thought things should cost, it was always double that number); cost shouldn’t matter because I wanted the day to be very special and memorable, so I tried to set it aside (and an unexpected gift from a friend helped make that possible); we were all planning the wedding in the middle of our hectic lives (Martin Short was unavailable as Wedding Planner); we all like & love each other and still feelings get hurt in the process of making decisions; we had trouble with our caterer from Grand Rapids and his lack of experience… You get the idea.

Another surreal aspect was that our son, Aaron, married Rachel and Robbie. She asked him and he agreed. On the one hand, it made perfect sense. Aaron is one of the most spiritual people I know and the three of them have become very close over the years. They are all very down-to-earth, open-minded types, so I was curious what they would plan together. There’s also the fact, though, that sometimes they still seem like kids to this 54 year old. It’s just like the flashbacks in Father of the Bride with Steve Martin, whether I want it to be or not (we all watched the movie, by the way, the night after the wedding). In the end, Aaron’s presence up in front added the energy and personal touch to the wedding that everyone was talking about afterward.

In a way, it felt weird to not be involved in the planning of the actual ceremony. We trust Rachel, Robbie, and Aaron, but Judy has been a church organist most of her life and I’m a naturally curious person. I decided early on, though, to let it go…one of the thousand times I reminded myself it wasn’t “my” wedding, it was theirs. I did, however, give one piece of input: my friend, Marianne Forman, had posted an excerpt from the Preface to Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman, which I thought may fit with Rachel and Robbie’s take on things; I suggested it and they agreed; then, they had me read it in the ceremony. Here’s the excerpt:

“This is what you shall do: Love the earth and sun and the animals, despise riches, give alms to everyone that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning God, have patience and indulgence toward the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown, or to any man or number of men — go freely with powerful uneducated persons, and with the young, and with the mothers of families — re-examine all you have been told in school or church or in any book, and dismiss whatever insults your own soul; and your very flesh shall be a great poem, and have the richest fluency, not only in its words, but in the silent lines of its lips and face, and between the lashes of your eyes, and in every motion and joint of your body.”

I love the line “and your very flesh shall be a great poem.” Rachel mentioned it too. There’s something about living your life poetically that seems life a worthy goal (one of my muses, Bob Rentchler, aspired to it). And I know people were listening because my brother-in-law asked me for alms afterward. Figures.

Another aspect of the overwhelmingness of it all, was the extreme joy I feel due to our daughter finding someone so special that she wants to commit to spending the rest of her life with him. Their hope and love radiated throughout the evening and in the many photos that were taken of the night; Judy’s cousin, Rob, created an amazing slideshow of the ceremony and reception already…many thanks, Rob. As you can see in the photos, the joy was palpable. Many of the people who came told me they could feel the love between the couple (and the officiating pastor dude). My prayer is that that feeling strengthens them for the journey ahead.

Finally, I created a photo montage of my own that played during the reception. It has some humor along the way because without humor life is just no fun at all. This father of the bride would not have survived the wondrous wedding process without it.

P.S. I woke up at 2 am this morning with a poem in my head. It was inspired by the wedding couple, my lovely bride, my son, and memories of my Dad. Though I must say it is really meant for you, reader. Peace.

Reflecting

I love you most
When I think of you laughing.
Laughing your unexpectedly loud
Reaction to life’s little joys.

Your laugh reflects your passion,
For when you let go
About things you care about,
You really let go.
And life’s “little joys”
Are suddenly not so little.

Your laugh reminds me
To deeply appreciate
This gift we have called Life.
And to laugh at the absurdity
Of our pride.

Yes, I can hear your laugh,
Almost angry in its volume,
But remarkably joyous,
Not holding back
In its quick, clear message…

“Swallow your pride,
Don’t hold that grudge,
Look in the mirror
With love for all —
Yes, that means for yourself, too.
Forgive your brother,
Your sister,
Yourself —
Life is too short
For our fleeting reflections
To be any less
Than reflections of love.”

Sure, it’s a long message
For a laugh.
But I hear it, because
When I think of you laughing
I love you most.