Early Mother’s Day Musings

It’s 4:37 am. as I write this.
Usually, this entry would go in my personal journal.
I’ve written about 15 books-worth of journals over the years. Most of it, I wouldn’t want anyone to read, even if someone had some odd reason to want to read it. But there’s some good stuff in there, too. Anyway, sometimes the personal stuff needs to be out there, too; at this early hour, I’m feeling that this may be one of those times…we’ll see.

I have too many things on my mind. It goes likes this…

I don’t worry very much when it’s light out. For some reason — call it luck or grace or whatever — I’ve been blest in a million ways: wonderful wife and family; live in a peaceful, safe community; have a job I love; have a job that provides well for us; able to give generously to those around me; have my health and my family has their health; even have insurance to help continue that health for years; able to plan for vacation that I actually get to take; ability to write and access to share it; amazing friends and extended family that provide a network for a variety of issues; fairly easy-going personality; and the list goes on…

But at night, after four or five hours of rest, my mind occasionally gets into the ‘what if?’ mode. My list-of-things-to-do becomes a list-of-what-could-go-wrong. My blest life becomes a privileged life I don’t really deserve. And I can’t sleep until I talk it through with myself (this time, you get to be a part of the conversation).

Things distracting me from sleep at this moment:
1. Why do bad things happen to good people. Yes, yes, it’s an old theme. But I haven’t heard an answer I like yet. A friend has cancer. She had enough to deal with in her life before the cancer…in my opinion. All I can really do is pray and help out as much as they’ll let me. I already know the ‘life’s not in our control’ life-lesson. So does she. Why do we have to keep learning it over and over? (During the light hours, I know that life is a journey full of moments. Things happen, we deal with them the best we can…laugh, cry, learn…and go on. Somehow that evades me without the sun.)
2. I could start my teacher evaluation rant again, but I’ll just direct you to an earlier blog entry and add two cents. My teacher evaluation is currently underway. Keeping in mind that I have very few answers here, also, I still don’t like the evaluation process. I understand that evaluations are necessary and a part of every job. Are other job evaluations so spotty, lop-sided, and not useful for improving? A tiny bit at the beginning of the year, nothing for seven months, and then everything in a week and a half? Although I have to admit, last year was different (over a dozen observations and more of an on-going discussion…but what about the year before when it was random again?). Ridiculous testing of my students and other issues find their way onto my evaluation, but even more of a can’t-sleep-because-I-can’t-believe-it situation is that this year our evaluations are directly tied to people being let go. Tenure out the window. Lives thrown under the bus from a process that is in chaos right now.
3. There’s the job itself of course. I have a stack of notebooks to grade, a final draft to look at (for 125 students) on their wiki pages, a homework assignment to check, parts of the up-coming week to plan for, a homework page to update, several students in contact-parent-mode or parent-meeting mode…and it’s Mother’s Day, so of course she comes first because she was first; Mom being first puts the stars back in alignment…

There’s a 4, 5, and 6, but I think I made my point. And now I’m tired again. Truth-telling is hard work. The risk seems too great sometimes. Sometimes not.

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